Parties make me hyperventilate.
Not exactly panic attack style but there's a definite anxious feel to what should be a fun experience and the fact that I'm totally not normal does not help any of these situations.
My least favorite thing to do in the whole world is participate in small talk, and this isn't because I don't care about what anyone else is doing I swear, I just get really freaked out and don't know what to do. Try and be funny? That just means people will try and talk for longer leaving more time for me to fuck up. Answer quickly and get the hell out of there? I don't really want to be known as the most boring girl in the universe even if that is half true. Be myself? HAHA!
I bumped into a girl from school while I was out with my Mum (thug life) and it went a little like this.
Girl: Hey, are you off on holiday? (Context: we were in a travel related shop)
Me: *Odd whale noise that could mean yes or no or maybe or HEY WE'RE LOOKING FOR HIS SON ELMO..Nemo*
Me: What? Eh, yes, well, no. I'm on holiday right now. I mean, I live here, I'm not traveling here. I don't live in this shop.. Obviously. I'm just not going anywhere. What?
Girl: *Backs away slowly*
All I needed to say was "No, I'm staying in Banchory for Christmas, you?" but I let myself talk without filtering through all the bullshit. That whale noise happens to me a lot as well because I'm always surprised when people initiate conversation and then have no idea how to answer under pressure. That noncommittal sound like "Meeahhnnyyaa" is the best that I can come up with on short notice. I normally accompany it with a slight shoulder shrug. I have no idea how decisive whales really are, I bet when they decide to eat something they just do it, no conversation needed.
I've gone all off topic now. I may have to save the main point of this for another day. Oh, but I'm typing this right now and I can easily change the title so you'd never know that I got distracted and started talking about whales. The title was origionally : The night that I fell in love with Joseph Englstien. (Alternative title : I should do more interesting things in 2014). This shall wait for another day though and I'll change some things around.
So, looking back at the information I've given, you can partly see why rooms full of strangers or aquaintences or even relatives can be terrifying when you can't even process normal conversation without rambling off into other topics or languages (whale) all together. Last night was New Years Eve and I had made a list of around 13 excuses not to go anywhere, not that I was asked to many things but I knew I needed to be prepared leaving no danger for me to whale at someone.They weren't that creative ( Eg. I have to look after my pet goats. I'm buying a new cat. I'm allergic to moonlight.) but I had to have something.
All of this has made me worry, how am I going to be interesting enough for a blog that I really want to write but am worried people will start throwing stones at me in the street for. I am touching on the "I should do more interesting things in 2014" part of my original title post now because I don't do many things and it's bothering me. Not that I'm not doing many things, I love that, but that people won't want to read about how I sat and watched Dexter all day. What if there were more serial killers around here? I bet I would be a great detective because people would be so weirded out by my inability to small talk they would just tell me what I want to know to make me stop talking/whaling.
I'll put more thought into my possible (probable) career as a crime detctive for tomorrow and let you know if anything comes of it in the future. There turned out to be no point at all made in this post. I get the feeling that might happen more than a few times.