Monday, 20 January 2014

I just poured cereal and milk into my mouth because I couldn't find a bowl.

That did just happen and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Is that something other people do?

Quick(ish) update: I'm still on Dexter and watched 11 episodes yesterday, I'm not even sorry because this show is so great and educational. As someone who owns seasons 1-7 on DVD and has watched season 8 and half of season 9 of criminal minds I think I'm qualified to be on any homicide task force and/or judge any serial killer themed TV series. I did however just misspell homicide.

That whole milk and cereal in the mouth thing is just a symbol of how lazy I am all the time. I really don't see it as that much of a bad thing though because I do get things done eventually. I would have spent more time washing and drying a bowl before using it than it took to eat that mouthful of cereal and I'm definitely going to do the dishes before my Mum get's home at half five. This way everybody wins, the dishes will be washed and I have been fed immediately.
Someone at college told me that  my life should be a sitcom and at the time I couldn't have agreed more but now that I think about it I'm a lot less sure. I love being at home alone and doing almost nothing, reading or listening to music or watching Disney movies is really fun for me but I don't think anyone else would be all that interested in watching me cry while watching Dumbo for the 100th time.
 I don't really care if people think I'm boring and I think less people should care about that. I listen to people every Tuesday morning (I don't have college on Mondays) exaggerating their weekend antics and talking about how drunk they were or what they did and I lose the will to live a little more each time. I have no interest in being cool or making people think I'm more interesting than I am because they're going to find out sooner or later that It's a big old lie.
By the way, why is this song so catchy?
Nothing to do with what I'm talking about but I like listen to music while I type and this song is all that everyone should be listening to right now. I got all serious for a second there but that's okay, we're all friends here, me myself and I. So, when I go into college on Tuesday if anyone asks I'll tell them that I stayed in my pajamas for almost the entire weekend and watched Dexter, the Eastenders omnibus that I had recorded and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, Live from the red carpet. I also made a curry so amazingly delicious that I had to make it the next night too and I'm probably going to heat up the leftovers later on and eat them. Oh, in the brief period of being dressed I went to the garden centre with my gran, she's hilarious. That is how not interested I am in appearing cool.
I am so sad that people feel bad about not going out or having loads of friends that take them out every weekend. Being by yourself probably makes you a more interesting person anyway, take more time to think about who you'd like to be rather than who you want other people to see you as.
I was 15 when I was accepted into college and I was so scared that because everyone was older than me that I would be so boring compared to everyone else, I couldn't go out with everyone else or relate to loads of the things that people were talking about. I'm 18 now and I still don't go out a lot and I definitely don't think that getting trollied every weekend makes people more interesting, I like to think that people in my class like me, that people outside of my class like me and think I'm interesting enough to stick around with. Don't get me wrong though, I do know a lot of people that go out on the weekends and are also really interesting and funny and as dorky as I am. I'm not saying I hate people with social lives, I just hate the idea that people who don't go out could be considered less amazing and fun to be around than people that do.
Some people probably think I'm really dull but I'm not bored, I'm interested in what goes on inside my own head and don't mind being by myself which probably makes me sound all serial killery. I'm not, I would know. I like to read a lot and listen to music all day and just think about things. I don't think people take enough time to just be by themselves and think about things. It's great to have an imagination and have thoughts that keep you interested. One of my academy teachers told me that he had never been bored in his entire life and I can't say the same for myself but I do think that not being bored for a long period of time is something I'd like to aim for. Anytime I feel it creeping up on me I'm going to put an end to it ASAP, I'm trying to learn to play piano so it's been my go to boredom stopper for the past couple of weeks. Being infuriated because your fingers can't reach far enough is better than the alternative.
This is so not where I say this post going when I started talking about mouth bowl.
The only time I try  to make myself a little more busy looking is when I'm asked to parties or nights out with people I might not know all of. There is a difference between not caring about looking cool and being scared of offending people. It doesn't look good if you're asked to a party and you tell people that you just don't want to go. This is when you employ some carefully chosen excuses that I already touched on in some other post.
Just another glimpse into my exciting life. You're welcome.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Things I won't do in 2014! aka: New years resolutions.

Honestly, I don't think I have ever seen a resolution through the year. I normally last around 1 hour-6 days before giving up. I think last years were to stop social networking and work harder on my old blog. I check Instagram at least 78 thousand times a day and I've started a new blog, that's all you need to know.

This year I'm really going to try. I'm setting manageable goals and who knows, maybe I'll be able to manage my life better in the next 12 months.

1. Stop leaving your college work until the week before... I have a deadline for Tuesday that I haven't started the work for yet so I may have to start this resolution again after Tuesday.

2. Stop worrying about becoming homeless. I constantly stress (normally because I leave my college work until last minute) that I'm going to fail this year, not be able to get a job, my Mum will kick me out and stop loving me because I'm so shitty and useless and I never move my empty juice tins out of the living room, I'll have nowhere to live and no one will love me because I can't socialize without freaking the hell out, I'll have to live on the street and eventually die alone or with my pet snake I bought out of necessity because of all the other more dangerous hobos.

3. Work on social skills in case of parties, gatherings, meeting anyone new or becoming a homeless person.
If you read the Whales post you'll understand why this is important.

4. Try and worry less in general. I may need a whole new post to explain the extent of my worrying ways but it can get pretty bad and always seems to happen during the night, I just seem to wake up in the middle of a panic attack. The last time I woke up in an intense state of worry and fast pace breathing because I hadn't yet received an email I needed to finish a college project that isn't due until May.

5: Research further that condition that makes people hate the sound of others breathing heavily. I really and truly believe that I suffer from this because the sound of breathing honestly makes me feel unwell. My Mum is a really heavy breather especially when she's eating and at least twice a day I have to ask her if she's joking or trying to upset me on purpose. 50 percent of the time she is just trying to upset me.

6: Generally be better at things: I feel like I need to acquire some new and useful skills. Maybe being able to fix cars, it always looks sexy in the movies and if I knew more guys that could drive it might pay off. What are other sexy skills to have? Origami? Sexy origami...

One week in and I haven't started any of these. I've also just realised that its the 12th now so it's actually more than two weeks in. Things can only get better from here.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

How do whales do when it comes to small talk?

Parties make me hyperventilate.

Not exactly panic attack style but there's a definite anxious feel to what should be a fun experience and the fact that I'm totally not normal does not help any of these situations.

 My least favorite thing to do in the whole world is participate in small talk, and this isn't because I don't care about what anyone else is doing I swear, I just get really freaked out and don't know what to do. Try and be funny? That just means people will try and talk for longer leaving more time for me to fuck up. Answer quickly and get the hell out of there? I don't really want to be known as the most boring girl in the universe even if that is half true. Be myself? HAHA!

I bumped into a girl from school while I was out with my Mum (thug life) and it went a little like this.

Girl: Hey, are you off on holiday? (Context: we were in a travel related shop)

Me: *Odd whale noise that could mean yes or no or maybe or HEY WE'RE LOOKING FOR HIS SON ELMO..Nemo*
Me: What? Eh, yes, well, no. I'm on holiday right now. I mean, I live here, I'm not traveling here. I don't live in this shop.. Obviously. I'm just not going anywhere. What?

Girl: *Backs away slowly*

All I needed to say was "No, I'm staying in Banchory for Christmas, you?"  but I let myself talk without filtering through all the bullshit. That whale noise happens to me a lot as well because I'm always surprised when people initiate conversation and then have no idea how to answer under pressure. That noncommittal sound like "Meeahhnnyyaa" is the best that I can come up with on short notice. I normally accompany it with a slight shoulder shrug. I have no idea how decisive whales really are, I bet when they decide to eat something they just do it, no conversation needed.

I've gone all off topic now. I may have to save the main point of this for another day. Oh, but I'm typing this right now and I can easily change the title so you'd never know that I got distracted and started talking about whales. The title was origionally : The night that I fell in love with Joseph Englstien. (Alternative title : I should do more interesting things in 2014). This shall wait for another day though and I'll change some things around.

So, looking back at the information I've given, you can partly see why rooms full of strangers or aquaintences or even relatives can be terrifying when you can't even process normal conversation without rambling off into other topics or languages (whale) all together. Last night was New Years Eve and I had made a list of around 13 excuses not to go anywhere, not that I was asked to many things but  I knew I needed to be prepared leaving no danger for me to whale at someone.They weren't that creative ( Eg. I have to look after my pet goats. I'm buying a new cat. I'm allergic to moonlight.) but I had to have something.

All of this has made me worry, how am I going to be interesting enough for a blog that I really want to write but am worried people will start throwing stones at me in the street for. I am touching on the "I should do more interesting things in 2014" part of my original title post now because I don't do many things and it's bothering me. Not that I'm not doing many things, I love that, but that people won't want to read about how I sat and watched Dexter all day. What if there were more serial killers around here? I bet I would be a great detective because people would be so weirded out by my inability to small talk they would just tell me what I want to know to make me stop talking/whaling.

I'll put more thought into my possible (probable) career as a crime detctive for tomorrow and let you know if anything comes of it in the future. There turned out to be no point at all made in this post. I get the feeling that might happen more than a few times.

There is no good reason why this shouldn't work out!

Okay. Hi.

This is such a good idea. I'm a terrible blogger, I don't really have anything interesting to say about make up or clothes or movies or any of the other cool hippish things that other people write about.

I tried a baking blog but it takes so much time to bake things and I just like to eat them, like, who cares about whisking techniques. I tried a make up blog but it turns out that everything I do with my make up is wrong. I mean, I put it on and it looks alright on days that I have an extra half an hour to make it look alright, but, all the special parts that make up people know about like... Well I don't know about them and that's why I couldn't write about make up. I love make up. That's all I have to say about it.

Anyway I've figured out now that I'm definitely self involved enough to just write about myself, but who cares about that? There must be some kind of market for people that want to know what's going on with me, right?

I used to be seriously obsessed with keeping a diary but I could never keep it up for longer than a week or so and even then it was the sort of thing that if I looked back on it now I'd wonder why my mother didn't just disown me at birth, I'm such a horrible and dull human being. AND THAT'S WHY I'M STARTING A BLOG RIGHT NOW. So that other people can see how dull and horrible I am.

The worst part in all of this is that I don't even know how to make a blog, this is my third (fourth?) attempt and I have no idea how to change any type of format or widgit, widdgit, wgit, wiigit... Spell check doesn't know, I don't fucking know. I'm not sure I even know how to change the title or font but that's not what's important, it's the content and I'm sure it will be as or more disappointing than this Times New Roman shit.(Actually the font is just called "Normal" and I know how to change it now. PROGRESS PEOPLE.

I've forgotten what I was saying. Blogs. I need help. I'm not posting this but if I remember when I wake up tomorrow that this exists I might fix all the mistakes my tipsy hands have made and un caps lock half of it before posting it or being sick.

Laters non existent readers. (If one day I become famous and this seems like I'm actually just pretending none of you exist, I'm sorry. Remind me to edit the ending of this or something.) 

Ps. I'm back and it turns out that the font isn't called "Normal" that's just the size of the font.

Pps. I'm going to google how to make my blog more attractive and appealing to people. Failing that I'm going to make my friend Clare do it for me. (Hi Clare.)